Hello and welcome! Welcome to my deranged head. There’s another guy here. I call him a ‘guy’ loosely. He’s actually a bi-polar bear and his name is Henry. He’ll butt in whenever the fuck he wants and I refuse to hold myself accountable for his actions. Other than that it’s just me and my cat Thomas and my deceased dad’s worst records, coz they’re my faves.

Without Thomas I would surely perish. He’s independent, like me. He runs so very fast. Everyone I know who has seen him sprint has found the sight near impossible to process. Him sprinting is the definition of an implausible sight. He’s like, super fucking quick.

He enjoys butterfly patrols twice daily. He’s firm but fair. Any butterfly not frollicking with enough vigour is warned first, then fined ninety dollars. All butterfly’s must smile perpetually, at least when Thomas is on patrol. His superiority is never questioned by the butterfly’s, for they know they are flimsy and slow by comparison.

Thomas is spirited. He’s never known true hardship, reflected through his confident abandon. He bears no visible scars and is very handsome indeed. This farmhouse I live in and write from now is his. The farmers I rent the shack off treat the house as his and just accept, as I do, that Thomas has always been its custodian. He loves lying on the hay bales in the shed and sleeps all over the place. He’s not silly like humans and doesn’t sleep with me every night, which I appreciate. He keeps it special.

I think marriage should only be allowed between pets and owners. Fuck the human and human thing - never works. Drive each other batshit. Nah, all we need is a fine beast as a companion. Pets prove what companionship can be, if done correctly. Sure, keep a lover, even let he or she stay overnight once in a decade or so, but never, ever fall into the vortex of interdependency when you can find true companionship with a fine animal! And no, you can’t have both - that’s greedy.

Mother Nature is the only true God and she decrees us beasts alike, as far as I can gleen. That’s why I live in the middle of outside. In the valley of one of Big Mother’s bosoms at the base of a rocky outcrop. Most people’s outside is inside something else.

I live with the Big Mother and one of her cats, and now, I live here with you, courtesy of this brilliant, scary digital age. If you’ve lasted this long through my bullshit musings then you deserve a fucking medal. I will never edit my thoughts here, for they are deliberately spontaneous ramblings. For whatever the fuck that’s worth.

At least you know Thomas now. He’s far more interesting than me and I’ll be sure to add the odd update on his many and nefarious exploits.

xsamuel